A Modern Interpretation of Doctor Faustus, Scene 3

 Something fun I did for one of my college classes.  Enjoy!

[Enter Faustus to conjure]

Faustus- It’s a cold November night, and I’m all alone up here.  Everyone I know is at a party because they’re all a bunch of fools.  They came to college, but they have no interest in learning.  It’s terrible.  So, rather than joining them, I think I’m going to summon the devil.  I want to see if I can get him to serve me, and obey my every wish.  So, I’ve got this summoning circle where I’ve written down the name of God forward and backward, and the names of holy saints.  The planets are aligned because you can’t summon things without planet alignment.  Everyone knows that.  Alright, let’s do this, there’s nothing to be afraid of, it’s just the devil, nothing to be afraid of here.  Let the magic words do the work for you.  Sint mihi dei Acherontis proptii!  Valeat numen triplex Jehovae!  Ignei, aerii, aquatic, terreni spiritus salvete!  Orientis princeps, Belzebub inferni ardentis monarcha, et Demogorgon, propitiamus vos ut appareat et surgat Mephastophilis.  Quid tu mororis?  Per Jehovam, Gehennam, et consecratam aquam quam nunc spargo, signumque crucis quod nunc facio, et per vota, ipse surgat nobis dicatus Mephastophilis.

           

 [Enter a devil]

Hey, you!  Don’t appear to me like that!  You look like a devil!  Come back when you look like a person.  Actually, come back to me looking like a monk, because I’m an asshole to all the supernatural beings that I summon. [Exit Devil]  Huh, he actually listened to me.  I must be really good at this magic thing for him to be this compliant.  Now I can command the devil, how can this possibly go wrong?  Quin redis, Mephastophilis, fratris imagine!

            

 [Enter Mephastophilis]

Mephastophilis- So, Mister Faustus, what can I do for you?

Faustus- I want you to be my servant, to do whatever I want, no matter what it is, I want you to do it for me.

Mephastophilis- I’m the servant of Lucifer, I can’t just follow you without his consent.

Faustus- Did he tell you to come here?

Mephastophilis- No, I came of my own accord.

Faustus- So, it wasn’t my conjuring that brought you here?

Mephastophilis- It did bring me here, but not for the reason you think.  When we hear someone 

blaspheme God like you were doing, we come to try and take their soul.  We only do it though when the person truly prays to Satan.

Faustus- Well, I’ve done just that.  Lucifer is my king, and I dedicate myself to him.  Eternal damnation doesn’t scare me, because frankly, I don’t think it’s that bad.  So, tell me about Lucifer.

Mephastophilis- He rules hell.

Faustus- Wasn’t he an angel once?

Mephastophilis- Yes, and one of God’s favorites.

Faustus- Then how did he end up in hell?

Mephastophilis- He conspired against God, who actually isn’t all that forgiving, and who decided to throw him to hell.

Faustus- And what about you?  How’d you end up in hell?

Mephastophilis- I followed Lucifer, instead of God, and for that I shared his fate.

Faustus- So, if you got sent to hell, how are you here?  Can you just leave at will?

Mephastophilis- You wouldn’t understand, this is hell, hell is all around us.  Not being in God’s presence is hell, being deprived of heaven is worse than you could possibly imagine.

Faustus- Why are you so upset about not being in heaven?  I’ll teach you how to be a real man, and I’ll make you laugh at those things you miss about heaven.  Tell Lucifer that I will forsake God, offer up my soul to him, in exchange, I want 24 years of your service.  I want you to serve me, to give me whatever I want, to do whatever I want, and to always be obedient to me.  Go, return to Lucifer, and meet me in my study in an hour, and tell me what his decision is.

Mephastophilis- I will, Faustus.                      [Exit]

Faustus- If I had as many souls as there were stars in the sky, I’d give them all to Mephastophilis.  With him by my side, I will become ruler of the world.  From the cold wastes of the Arctic to the tropical African shores, I will rule over all.  No country will stand against me, not America, not China, no one.  Now that I have what I want, I’m going to go think about everything I can do until Mephastophilis returns with his answer.