Beer of the Week

The beer: Alpha Klaus

Brewed by: 3 Floyds Brewing, Munster, Indiana

Description (from the website): "Alpha King’s festive cousin. A big American Christmas Porter brewed with English chocolate malt, Mexican sugar, and tons of strange American hops. The pronounced hop bitterness gives way to flavors of molasses and chocolate from the roasted malt bill."

Would I buy it again? If I were presented with this beer blind, absent any notions of festivity, I would like this beer. It's a solid porter from a well-known and fairly large craft brewery. But this beer has been advertised as a Christmas beer, and I'm sorry, but I'm not seeing it. This is quite literally just a porter, and I can get one of those any time of year. You can't just advertise a plain old porter as a Christmas beer, it's just wrong. I've never had Alpha King, which apparently this beer is related to, but if I were a betting man, I'd wager that this is the same beer with different packaging. Just make sure you don't sell the two beers at the same time and no one will ever notice that they're actually one in the same. That's my conspiracy theory to end the year.

So no, I would not buy this again, despite overall quite enjoying it. I'd rather spend my money on something worse that actually tried to be festive.

We Wish You A Merry CHRISTMAS

Break out the figgy pudding and deck the halls, it's everyone's favorite time of year: The British Medical Journal's annual Christmas issue has released. And as is tradition, the doctors publishing in this journal are committed to answering only the most pressing holiday-based medical questions.

Funny enough, one particular study is absolutely worth mentioning, considering last week's blockbuster piece on how an unfortunate individual received a bullet in their butt after taking their handgun through an MRI machine. In what has to be the coincidence of the year, a group of scientists from Singapore and England have conducted a study analyzing the behavior of common metallic health care–related objects in the presence of a 3 tesla MRI machine.

While a gun was not included in the Common Healthcare Related Instruments Subjected To Magnetic Attraction Study (CHRISTMAS) trial – this was an American-free research project – the researchers tested numerous other metallic items that would be commonly found on patients or in medical facilities, such as coins, biscuit tins (there's the British coming through for us), a cell phone, a credit card, and a knife.

The procedure was quite simple; the test item was loaded into a test rig the researchers called the electromagnetic launch funnel (ELF), and the MRI machine was turned on. The item was slowly guided toward the center of the machine, and the distance from the MRI machine at which the test item was launched – the site where applied newtonian mechanics triggers acceleration (SANTA) – was recorded. In addition, a layer of ballistic gel (sorry, no cute acronym this time) was deployed around the machine to simulate human tissue, and if any items managed to penetrate the gel, the depth of penetration was also measured.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, the knife penetrated deepest into the ballistic gel and had the second highest SANTA value, beaten only by the 220 g biscuit tin. The researchers did find that weight did not necessarily correlate with higher SANTA values; for example, a stethoscope's SANTA score was half that of the knife and heavy biscuit tin. The researchers warned any physicians to avoid bringing Christmas or seasonal treats into the MRI room, or to keep the treats in their original paper packaging, as a biscuit tin's SANTA value is just too high for comfort.

On the positive side, however, objects such as the cell phone and credit card maintained their functionality and memory, and the MRI machine maintained image integrity even after electronics passed through its magnetic field. So, you may not be able to take your biscuit tin with you when you get an MRI, but if you want to post viral TikToks from within the machine, you should be good to go. And that's a CHRISTMAS gift worth celebrating.

Beer of the Week

The beer: The Night Before Gingerbread Stout

Brewed by: Westbrook Brewing Company, Mt. Pleasant, South Carolina

Description (from Tavour): "Bold ginger and roasty espresso notes lead the sip like Zero leading Jack’s sleigh. Rich caramel and baking spice nuances creep after. The big ABV invisibly lurks like a monstrous toy in Jack’s bag waiting to bounce out and shriek 'BOO-ze!'"

Would I buy it again? What a perfect beer to review on Christmas day. A gingerbread stout. This one's a little heavy on the ginger and light on the bread, which is not generally the priority I like. I mean, it's fine, but it's not really what I'm looking for from this sort of heavy beer. I probably would not buy it again. That may not be in the holiday spirit, but a mediocre beer is a mediocre beer.

Beer of the Week

The beer: Mad Elf

Brewed by: Tröegs Independent Brewing, Hershey, Pennsylvania

Description (from the website): "The holidays at Tröegs start with our inner Mad Elf momentarily taking over the brew deck. So blame 'him' for this cheerful ruby red creation reminiscent of ripened cherries, raw honey and cocoa with notes of cinnamon, clove and allspice."

Would I buy it again?: We have a bit of a redemption story here. I got Mad Elf years ago and I thought it tasted like cough syrup. So I passed it up for quite a while, since I thought I didn't like it. But I finally came around to trying it again, and what do you know, I like it now. I doubt they changed the beer, so maybe my taste buds have changed. Either way, I'd buy this beer again. Just be aware, it's 11% alcohol, so it's got the strength of ten beers, plus two.

Beer of the Week

The beer: 2XMAS Ale

Brewed by: Southern Tier Brewing Company, Lakewood, New York

Description (from the website): "Swedish flags are a fairly common sight in our part of the country. Holiday parties often have warm concoctions of spices and booze at the ready to knock the ice off of toes while raising spirits. We were inspired by a 'Glögg' party, deciding on the spot to brew a beer that pays tribute to this Nordic tradition. 2XMAS ale combines traditional brewing ingredients with figs, orange peels, cardamom, cinnamon, clove, and ginger root. It’s a holiday addition to the 2X line and another reason to toast to the season, but unlike Glögg, we recommend serving this one chilled."

Would I buy it again?: I'm gonna have say no on this one. For all those spices, I feel like the beer was surprisingly bitter, and that's not what Christmas is all about. The aftertaste especially isn't very pleasant. There's a bit of cinnamon, but it's immediately overpowered. I don't really enjoy it, and that's pretty disappointing.

Top 5: Animated Christmas Specials

Yes, it's that time of year. It's the same story every December, the TV starts drowning in Christmas everything. Christmas shows, Christmas movies, Christmas everything. And you know what? Most if it really isn't very good. But some of it is, and that's what we'll be focusing on here today. So, if you want some TV to watch on Christmas Day that people might actually enjoy, rather than tolerate, here's a list for you. As I said in the title, these are all going to be animated shows, not live-action. I know animation. So, there will be no "Christmas Story" or "It's a Wonderful Life" here. And even if I was including everything, Alright, well, let's get to the list!


5. A Charlie Brown Christmas

Yeah, yeah, this one is pretty played out. But that's why it's up at number 5. It was a tough choice between this, Rudolph, Frosty, and Santa Claus is Coming to Town. SCICTT was easily eliminated, thanks to that ridiculously 60's song you can only find on DVDs. Yeah, it's pretty bad. As for Frosty, watching Professor Hinkle run is hilarious (Couldn't find a video, but trust me), but otherwise, it really doesn't do a whole lot. So really it was a choice between Rudolph and Charlie Brown. That was the really tough choice. Obviously, I'm going with Charlie Brown. Rudolph is funny because it's, uh, kind of dated, if you know what I mean, even if it is more iconic as a Christmas show. Charlie Brown is just a better show. The funny bits are actually funny, and not just "Gee, this is funny because it's old and outdated". Plus, it's got the greatest dance of all time. You know the one. This kid. The music is all jazz, which is a nice change of pace from the usual Christmas fare. Some people may not like the overtly Christian message, but it is a departure from the standard "Gee, Christmas is great and we should all get along" message your standard secular Christmas special delivers.

Best part: Boy, are you stupid, Charlie Brown!


4. Christmas Who?

That's right, it's Spongebob time! This is the original Spongebob Christmas special, not whatever the heck this abomination is supposed to be. No, we're not talking about that one. We will never talk about that one.

So, what makes this special so good? Well, for starters, it's an episode of Spongebob from before the first Spongebob movie (I can't believe I have to say first there. Why are there two Spongebob movies now?). And Spongebob pre-2005 was almost without flaw. "Christmas Who?" is no exception. It's funny, it's Christmas-y, but it manages to deliver its message in a very Spongebob fashion. The associated song (because of course there's a song) is good, but when you watch it, it becomes very good. Then you get to the end, and Mr. Krabs does his falsetto, and all of a sudden, the song hits another level. So, if you want to watch a Spongebob Christmas special, watch this one, not the other one. I just want to make that clear.

Good part (since the best part is probably Mr. Krabs' falsetto but I already mentioned that): I feel like a...



3. A Pinky and the Brain Christmas

As a show, Pinky and the Brain doesn't get nearly as much respect as it should. It's a cartoon from the 90's, but you never hear about it. But I'm not here to argue about the merits of the series as a whole, I'm here to talk about Christmas specials, and Pinky and the Brain has one of the best.

If you know absolutely nothing about the show, the basic premise is that you've got these two genetically engineered lab mice, and they want to take over the world. They attempt this with various wacky schemes, and never succeed. Because it's a kid's comedy show. This show follows the same general formula, only it's Christmas themed, and involves Santa delivering a hypnosis-capable doll to every household on the planet. This is funnier than it sounds. Actually, the Brain (who is the one with world-domination plans) succeeds in his plan, and does actually hypnotize the world. Suffice to say, this is a Christmas show, and he does not use his power to take over the world. You can probably guess what he does tell the world to do, even without me explaining the plot. It's a very funny and unappreciated Christmas special from a funny and unappreciated TV show.

Best part (no video so here's the quote):
PINKY: Look, Brain! The reindeers are inviting elves to join them for a party at Donner’s house! BRAIN: Hm… Somehow, the idea of joining the Donner party is unappealing.


2. A Claymation Christmas Special

This was really tough. I love this special, I really do. I wanted to put it at number 1, but I just couldn't. But we'll get to that.

This is another reasonably obscure Christmas special, back from the late 80's. There's not really a plot, per se, just two claymation dinosaurs introducing a series of Christmas Carols. Yes, it's that kind of show. And yes, it is a T-Rex and a Triceratops, and yes, the T-rex's name is Rex. But he's the smart one, and the Triceratops is a dumb one who likes food. But other than pondering what exactly a wassail is, they're there to introduce the songs. There are a couple of odd ones, the rendition of "Joy to the World" especially, but the songs are mostly slightly irreverent takes on your standard Christmas carols. We've got "We Three Kings" with singing camels, "Carol of the Bells" performed by the Paris Bell-harmonic (spoiler: it's a pun), "Angels We Have Heard On High" performed through interpretive dance from a couple of ice-skating walruses, and "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer" performed by the California Raisins (of course). There's also "O Christmas Tree" but that one's played straight. I always watch this one, usually on Christmas Eve, though occasionally now on Christmas day itself. It's fun, and it's very underappreciated. Go watch it.

Best part: It was a tough decision, but I had to go with the singing camels.


1. How the Grinch Stole Christmas

Of course this is number 1. It had to be. The song alone gets it to the top five, and the rest of the show is just as good. I've only seen part of the live-action movie, but from what I've seen, it's nowhere close to being as good as the animated special. I don't have a lot more to say about this, it's not like I need to tell you about the Grinch. You know the show. You know the song. It might be old, but it's still the best Christmas anything ever made.

Best part: The greatest sound effect of all time.

Christmas Part Two

Here's hoping that everyone had a fantastic Christmas!  I had a great time with my family today, and I just got back from hanging with some of my closest friends, had a great time with them too.  Had good food, had fun, it was a great day.

Christmas

It's 12:15 AM for me right now, so I'll say this.  Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to everyone!  Go open presents, spend time with your family, eat, drink, and be merry.  Listen to this, it's probably my favorite Christmas song.  Enjoy the holidays, it really is the most wonderful time of the year.