Shot Through The Butt, And You're To Blame

It's no big secret that there's a certain subset of Americans who treat their guns like Linus treats his blanket. Guns are sacred items to them, and not even Lucy could nag them out of it, since, you know, they have a gun. Kind of tough to tell them what to do.

While we can and do debate the necessity of carrying a gun with you whenever you leave the house, the fact is that it is currently legal in this country and they are technically allowed to do it. However, what can't be argued is physics, and MRI machines, being devices that emit powerful magnetic fields, are really not the place for you to bring a metal item capable of firing smaller metal items at a couple thousand miles per hour.

That brings us to a recent report from the Food and Drug Administration and a hapless 57-year-old woman who turned out to be quite the literal pain in the butt. Back in June 2023, the woman, whose name and location were not disclosed, reported to a medical center to receive an MRI. Her health care team interviewed her before the procedure, asking her if she had any forbidden items such as concealed weapons. She said she didn't.

This was a lie, as she did in fact have a concealed firearm on her person. And as the machine activated, physics took the wheel: The gun discharged, firing a single shot into the woman's butt. Oops.

Fortunately for her, the wound was described as "small" and "superficial," with the bullet only penetrating subcutaneous tissue. After taking a trip to a nearby hospital, the woman confirmed with the initial MRI testing site that she was fine and healing well.

And now, with the truth revealed, we will never again have to worry about gun owners bringing firearms into MRI machines, as it is clearly incredibly dangerous to them, the expensive medical equipment, and to the hapless medical workers just trying to do their job. Right? Gun owners? Where'd they go? They were just here a minute ago.