A Funny Little Story

I was taking a look through my old stuff, and I found this old homework assignment.  It's a little weird.

“I say, my good chap, my top hat is far superior to yours,” I addressed my colleague as we strolled through the park on our way to afternoon tea and crumpets.

          

“Dear sir, you are most incorrect,” Lord Haberdashery scoffed.  “Not only is my top hat taller and wider, but my monocle simply compliments the hat better than yours does.  You see, my monocle and top hat were designed alongside each other, they simply work together.”

           

“That may be true, but you see, my monocle has been in my family for 500 years now, and as for my top hat, it is an original.”

           

“An original top hat?”  Lord Haberdashery sputtered.  “Lord Baldersdash, you are surely in jest.”

          

 “In fact, I am not, for this top hat was created by the inventor of top hats himself, the Earl of London, Reginald Brimble.  I’ll have you know that this hat is over one thousand years old.  It has seen the rise and fall of empires, it has seen the world.  To be honest, Lord Haberdashery, to compare this hat to yours would be an insult to the British Empire and her people,” I said.

           

“Sir, you are a liar and a cheat,” Lord Haberdashery sneered.  “A second-rate nobleman trying to pass off a completely average top hat as something special.  Sir, I will not have it.”

           

“I say, good chap, that is poor form indeed,” a voice came from above my head.

           

“What was that?” Haberdashery asked.

           

“It would be the hat,” the hat said.  “I must say, you have hardly shown behavior worthy of a British gentleman.  Accusing a fellow man of lying about his top hat is questionable, sir, very questionable.  Perhaps your jealousy stems from the fact that Lord Balderdash here is from a very old family, while your own family only recently attained noble rank.”

           
Lord Haberdashery looked ashamed.  “Lord Baldersdash, you possess a wise and noble hat.  I defer to it and to you.  Shall we continue our walk?
         
“Indeed,” I said.   “Let us not speak of it again.”

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