My Spleen To Your Mind, My Lungs To Your Thoughts

When it comes to superpowers, everyone gravitates toward the generic: super strength, super speed, the ability to fly. In other words, the Superman powerset. But there are plenty of other cool superpowers out there, and one of the most underrated is mind control. It's not flashy, but the things you could do if you could influence the minds of other people are almost limitless. You might even be able to persuade the duly elected members of our federal government to, you know, actually govern. Good joke.

Of course, we could argue the ethics of forcefully entering and mucking around with someone's mind, but at the end of the day, mind control is just one of those superpowers that couldn't possibly exist in the real world. Right?

Well, sort of. It may never be possible to wave your hand and convince a stormtrooper that these aren't the droids you're looking for, but a recent study has shown that a frankly insane number of transplant victims report personality changes after receiving an organ, to the tune of 90%. 

Now you might think, "well, of course organ recipients undergo personality changes, they just went through a traumatic experience! Of course they'll have a newfound appreciation for life and the simpler things. There's no weird mind control going on here." And while that is true, the study found that this goes much deeper. We're talking strange, almost uncanny territory. 

For example, the recipient of a heart received from a police officer killed in the line of duty reported experiencing vivid dreams of being shot in the face, accompanied by a physical burning sensation. In addition, a young boy who received the heart of a similarly aged boy out of nowhere refused to touch his collection of Power Rangers, which in a downright-spooky coincidence was the same toy the deceased toddler was reaching for when he fell out a window.

So, what's going on? Well, when it comes to heart transplants, there's actually a decent, if not exactly ironclad explanation: The heart has a nervous system of its own, and could simply be passing on cellular memories from the donor to the recipient. This isn't a definite, "we know exactly what's happening," but the heart's nervous system could absolutely be capable of storing biographical information, and when you put a heart loaded with memories into an entirely new body, some crossed wires and the resulting personality changes make sense.

That said, these weird personality changes are not exclusive to heart transplants – nor are they even more common. You're just as likely to inherit your kidney donor's love for tap dancing as you would be for your heart donor's. And the researcher's thoughts on how genetic memories are passed through non-heart organs are much less convincing, ranging from DNA, RNA, and proteins to epigenetics. In other words, they have no idea how it happens, only that it does.

At some point, we'll probably understand what exactly is going on with these transplanted organs, but for now, we can all be secure in the knowledge that, if you ever really want to mess with someone's head, all you have to do is die, get them to take one of our organs, and wait for the fireworks as they discover they no longer like to eat ice cream. Worst. Superpower. Ever.

A Trip to the Doctor

A story inspired by a news article which can be found here.

“Doctor, doctor, give me the news!” Mr. Ferguson exclaimed as I walked into the room.

           

“The news, Mr. Ferguson, is that you have a rash in your mouth,” I said.  “Nothing more.”

           

“That’s impossible.” Mr. Ferguson looked crestfallen.  “I’m a biologist, and I know when something is a rash, and when something is a parasitic worm burrowing through my face.”

          

 “Do you know how rare the condition you’re talking about is?” I asked.  I hoped he didn’t actually know, because I didn’t.  I’m an oral surgeon, I get paid $300,000 a year to fix teeth, not to keep up with the field of parasitic worms.  I’m too busy playing croquet on weekends, or comparing 401k’s at the lodge.  Even worms sounds more exciting then my life right now.

          

 “Very rare, I imagine,” he replied.  “But not impossible.”

          

 He was still angling for this worm thing.  “I’m sorry, but all of the evidence points towards a simple rash.”

          

 “But it isn’t a rash!”

           

I was getting tired of this.  My head was throbbing from a massive hangover, I really just wanted to get out of there.  I would have loved to hop in my car and drive away from it all, but I knew I wouldn’t.  I’d just go back home, back to the same old wife, and the same old family, and the same old whiskey to get to bed at night.  “I’m telling you, you’ll be fine in a couple of weeks.  It will clear up.”

           

“But I was so sure…” Mr. Ferguson trailed off.

           

“It would have certainly been a fascinating case,” I threw the man a bone.  “You probably could have gotten a paper out of it.  But the truth is usually much more mundane.  Life is boring sometimes.”

          

 “Thank you for your time, Doctor,” he said.

          

 I trudged out of the room and sighed.  I could see a road sign from a window.  Las Vegas, 500 miles.  I shook my head and walk to the next patient’s room.  Life is boring sometimes.